Kids These Days

I was in Walmart checking out the latest window gel clings (I use them for motivation with Beth…long story, autism, blah blah blah) and there was a grandparent two aisles down going on and on in a very loud voice, “NO! NO! NO! You can’t have that! You already got so much for Christmas! I swear it wasn’t like that years ago! Kids these days you get everything! I told your parents…” And it went on, and on, and on, and on. And on. I was on the verge of shouting: “Just say no and move on already! Even if the kids have tantrums we get it. Hold your ground!” And then I wanted to shout, “By the way, the relentless direct marketing to kids and amount of products available these days at eye level in the store is a lot different from when you were young!” But I wisely thought better of it. That frustrated grandparent is not alone in her rant. There is no end to the articles and discussion on social media (Now that we have the internet! Damn internet! Back in our day…).

Case in point, this gem of an article, based on an interview of Leonard Sax who is peddling his book “The Collapse of Parenting”:

Everything in the article and in the book summary on Amazon is nothing new. It is like the author just took everything that has made the social media rounds and crammed it into a book. Also, everyone seems to be forgetting that there is no way to go back and compare kids of old to kids of new, which means the opinions presented in any “kids these days” piece are highly subjective and unscientific. In my view, these types of articles and books are low on balance and high on trashing parents to sell a book and increase readership. So, I would like to take the above article point by point and give it some balance. Because you know what, I am sick of the parent bashing for profit game. Starting from the top of the article and working my way down:

  1. The kid that told his mom to shut up and no correction was made, the author making the case it is the norm.  To be honest, I cannot think of a single parent I know who would put up with that. Hey Leonard, who comes to visit you in your office?  Oh. Right. Parents who have trouble being authoritative with their kids. That explains it.
  2. The example of the kid making the education decision even though the parent knew it was wrong. Well the point started out it is common to get to pick schools, but I don’t really think the example is common at all. Are your clients rich? Are they choosing from a variety of private schools. What the hell is behind this example?  Next…
  3. Cellphone in the bedroom, talking at 2 am. Guess what. This has been happening for a long time. It was the same when I was younger…I hid under the covers and I was on the phone at 2 am (sorry for this revelation Mom). The only difference is the phone was connected to the wall by a cord. But I guess his main point was we should limit devices. Duh. The American Academy of Pediatrics beat you to that earth shattering advice Leonard. And I think we all have heard it already.
  4. Family Dinner. Okay, good idea. But somehow the article works in several topics related to schools, extracurricular, college prep too young, etc. into a long confusing point. Here is a newsflash for you Leonard..extracurricular activities are the norm now. Gone are the days where kids just go out and play all evening (yes I agree that is sad). You can try that with your kid but they will likely be lonely…all the other kids are at extracurricular activities! I agree this is a problem, but you can see why parents feel they must do things in the evenings that are more organized these days. They have no choice. And it is not always about beefing up a resume, it is about social opportunities.
  5. No ear buds in the car. This section of the article talks about no ear buds, it is a time for family, and then Leonard says, “My 9-year-old daughter and I know the lyrics to almost every song from ‘Mary Poppins’. ” Um, so you don’t have a code of silence in the car. And you listen to music together while driving. You know what, most parents do that. At least until the kid and the parents hate each other’s music. Then they listen to different things and the earbuds get whipped out, which has been happening since the invention of the Walkman in 1979. So I am not even sure what point you are trying to make Leonard. We’ll be in our car listening to Adele and the new Wiggles, while you are in your car listening to Mary Poppins. What is the freaking difference?
  6. Teach humility. Okay I am 46 and I started going down the list of people without humility from my high school class and it was long. Very long. I get your point Leonard, but can you make the point without making parents feel like shit? Maybe if you wrote a book on the importance of handling disappointment and provided many examples of strategies to deal with disappointment, then maybe I would give you some expert cred and buy your book.

So, that is that. My critique of yet another “kids suck these days and their parents suck even more” article. Here is my advice. Stop reading the parent bashing articles. Rely on a variety of friends, family, and/or teachers for guidance, advice, and new ideas. Because, you know, that is what we used to do in the old days. Geez. Experts these days.



Breaking the Routine

This advice often shows up in autism blogs and in books on autism everywhere: routines and schedules are essential for children with autism!!!!! Many autism parents I know live and die by schedules. I have tried schedules with Beth a few times over the years, but my heart was never in it. The way I see it, inflexibility is a core feature of autism. How is my kid going to become more flexible if I lock her into set routines and schedules? Now, at almost age 6, she is a fairly flexible child who can run errands with me, go out to meals in restaurants, and make it through fairly noisy parties and outings. The more outings I do with Beth, the more I learn about what she likes, what sets her off, what helps her calm down, and how to strike the right balance between challenge and things she likes during an outing.

Although we do not have a strict schedule to our days, we have a general rhythm with the homeschooling lessons and some fixed outings (therapy, play dates, etc). So it was an extreme test of flexibility when we drove 19 hours from our home in the burbs north of Philly to Delray Beach Florida for a 3 week vacation with Beth’s grandparents. It was my husband’s idea to go someplace warm in the winter and his parents made it happen by finding the location, renting the house, following me down there on the drive, and helping me out in ways too numerous to list here. Hubby flew in for a great visit and  then helped me drive back home. Since Beth has a passion for watching scenery fly by while listening to music and she loves stopping at hotels with pools, driving that far by car with her wasn’t a big worry and it seemed like a better option than going by plane. My real worry was the uncertainty of Beth’s reaction to obliterating what little routine she had in her life. But Beth surprised us all with how well she did with the trip and I learned some invaluable lessons. The most important of which was that Beth is far more flexible than I ever imagined.

My main message in this post is this. If you have a child with autism and it is very difficult to go on community outings, take vacations, or break the routine in some other way, I urge you to try it and persevere. My advice is to start with very small goals, like picking up 1 item at the store, and work from there. It may take a long time to be able to survive a full shopping trip or have a good vacation(it took us years), but attempting to increase your child’s flexibility is time well spent. You never know unless you try and you may end up here some day…

Vacation Highlights

1. Song Request Success Leads to Language Improvement. Beth has always loved riding in the car and listening to music, but she would occasionally have outbursts. Why? Because she didn’t have enough language to tell me what song she wanted. Right before this trip she started to grab lines from songs and use them to request songs in the car. With the long length of the road trip, she had plenty of time to practice her song requests with the thumb drive full of songs I brought and she was able to say understandable snippets from hundreds of songs by the time the trip was over. She had ZERO outbursts on the way there and back because she could tell me what songs she wanted. As she practiced her song requests, we worked on saying the words clearly. Her clarity continues to improve and she bursts out in song at random times now.

Road Trippin' Beth

Road Trippin’ Beth

2. Bye-Bye to Old Comfort Items. We lost her beloved sippy cup on the way there and it wasn’t a big deal after all. We also got rid of glycerin based products (like a small amount of edible toothpaste on a toothbrush, which she liked to chew on for comfort). And finally, because she kept requesting baby oatmeal for comfort on the trip (I still fed it to her because she liked it and it had vitamins, so why not), we figured out that it had a laxative effect on her. A double hitter… bye to the old oatmeal comfort item and bye to tummy troubles.

Saying NO! to Old Comfort Items

Saying NO! to Old Comfort Items

3. Expanding on Beth’s Love of Water.

  • Swimming in the Ocean. The water near the shore of Delray Beach is shallow for a long distance out, which turned out to be perfect for Beth. She overcame her fear of the noisy, unpredictable waves and actually swam in the ocean. She was the only kid her age I saw out there without arm floats or a life jacket who was swimming in the ocean and managing the waves. Of course I was busy staying close by to keep her alive so I have no pictures of video of it.

Beth and Me at the Ocean

  • Playing in Streams of Water. Sure, she did her typical head-dunking thing. But for the first time she enjoyed getting hit by a water gun and welcomed the unpredictable water fountains at Palm Beach Zoo.

Daddy Manning a Water Gun, Beth Eyeing It Suspiciously (Sugar Sand Park,


Fountains at Palm Beach Zoo (

  • Bumper Boats. Surprisingly she wasn’t afraid of the bumping or the loud motor. She asked to go again when we finished !?

Bumper Boat Bananza (Boomers!,

4. New Interests

  • Animal Awareness and Love of Birds. We went to a lot of animal parks (e.g., Palm Beach Zoo, Flamingo Gardens, and Lion Country Safari). In general her awareness of animals and ability to name creatures is at a high after this trip. But the real surprise was that she seemed most amused by the birds. Since Beth shows her amusement in subtle ways when we are on outings because she is working hard to process all the sights and sounds, I don’t think I would have noticed her pattern of subtle smiles and more attention to birds unless we took this trip.
Butterfly World (

Grandpa Feeding a Bird at Butterfly World (

Yes, She Even Loved Bird Costumes (Palm Beach Zoo,

Yes, She Even Loved This Bird (Palm Beach Zoo,

  •  Activities With Unpredictable Movements. It has been a long time coming, but kiddo is finally starting to embrace side to side movement and activities with unpredictable movement of her body. She showed that she is ready for these activities on the trip. Some examples include suspension bridges that move when others are on them (which made her giggle), climbing ropes, and the rolling movement of a camel ride (plus she just thought the camel’s face was darn silly).
Grandpa Rocking a Suspension Bridge and Beth Loving The Movement

Grandpa Rocking a Suspension Bridge and Beth Loving The Movement (

Crazy Climbing (Sugar Sand Park,

Crazy Climbing (Sugar Sand Park,

Cameling It (Lion Country Safari,

Cameling It (Lion Country Safari,

  • She Learned How to Ride a Bike on Vacation! 

5. Lessons Learned

  • Sometimes Smaller Venues are Better. Beth did fine at the bigger zoos, but the small Nature Centers that seem to be everywhere in Florida were perfect for her. Each Nature Center usually has a prime focus or attraction, and they are small so they are not overwhelming. An added bonus is that Nature Centers are free (they only suggest a donation). Another great “donation only” small venue was a children’s science museum inside Sugar Sands Park. The larger Children’s Museums are still too much for Beth (we tried one in Miami and it was rough with the echo and noise), but the smaller venue children’s science museum was a score!

Turtle Recovering From Injuries at Gumbo Limbo Nature Center (

Shark Feeding at Sandoway House Nature Center (

Shark Feeding at Sandoway House Nature Center (

  • Not Ready for Go-Karts. These things scared the hell out of her. At first I thought it was the motor, but the motor wasn’t that loud and she tolerated the bumper boat motors just fine right after the go-kart attempt. When we got home she did not like sledding either, so my new theory is she doesn’t like riding fast low to the ground right now.
  • She Loves Horses, But Needs a Slow Approach. We tried both horse therapy (where people walk along side of her and she is in the saddle solo) and Horse Boy Method (where someone rides with her). Beth clearly loved the horses and always asked to go on them, but she scared easily when the horse started moving. In retrospect, I think the staff took things too quickly for Beth and she needs a much slower approach to horseback riding. I count this as an invaluable lesson learned and we plan on doing horse therapy at home in the future.
Horse Therapy (Johnson's Folly Horse Farm,

Horse Therapy (Johnson’s Folly Horse Farm,


Horse Boy Method (Johnson’s Folly Horse Farm,

  • When We Couldn’t Get a Heated Pool at a Hotel (Which Seems to Be Common in the South), We Used Our Y Membership to Get in Free at Any YMCA on the Road. Also good advice…if you need a strip club on the road, stop in a military town. 

    Kiddo on a Quick Swim Stop on the Road Near Fort Bragg in North Carolina.

    Kiddo on a Quick Swim Stop on the Road (Near Fort Bragg in North Carolina)